It was an interesting couple of days, with new prospects for the future that I'm liking.
Let's start saying that I did a thing on Monday evening, after writing the entry, which is... having interesting results.
I was still upset from therapy and I didn't feel like chatting or gaming, instead I started poking around the web. About a topic that I was always too shy to investigate about for so long, but that has been dear to me since so many years: BDSM practices.
A few entries ago I expressed my interest in searching some groups like that, but I think I can share a bit more of backstory first:
When I was very young (I think 12 years old) I would come home from school and be alone for various hours before my parents would also return from work. Dad would often leave his PC switched on to download stuff in that time, and so at times I would secretly browse the internet on it. Of course it wasn't long before I discovered the universe of porn.
In hindsight, that was also the very first sign that my gender was... flipped.
It's that upon seeing a sexual intercourse video, I immediately identified myself as the one being penetrated and never for a single moment I had a thought of being the one doing the penetration. I was especially fascinated about the idea of anal sex, I think because that was the only option available to me as well.
And so I learned about penetrating myself (with all sort of household items with appropriate shape) and basically achieved my very first orgasm entirely by mistake through anal stimulation. It's funny that I never thought about just using the peen. I discovered about the simplicity of jerking off only much later, when it was clear I was a boy and not a girl, but deep inside that realization hurt me.
And... maybe this was one of the factors that made me lean into appreciating sadism play.
I was already having a guilty pleasure to imagine myself being trapped, as I would many times close myself under the desk or in the staircase of the bed (the advantages of a modular bedroom). I don't know what triggered these desires in me, but I distinctly remember that old Digimon comic where Taichi was chained in a dark basement, and... Oh, the emotions that it caused in me!
So it was natural I would be immediately interested in bondage and bdsm sex scenes. With the years this drifted to more and more rough situations (rape and torture webcomics), which I knew were taboo and I shouldn't have enjoyed. But I always felt that conflict inside, a pain I couldn't understand, and since it was associated to my sexual desires, I instinctively found myself more familiar with it.
And that never disappeared throughout the years. My most common type of RPs on the furry sites were about Non-Consensual themes. My fantasy I would often fall asleep to was about being abducted, tied up and abused by unknown people. And I was finding comfort in that, because pain and pleasure for me work in symbiosis and I get excited at the thought of being made into a little obedient slave.
...
I don't know if this is something I should consider a trauma (and try to fix) or accept as a fetish of mine (and try to work it out).
Back when I expressed these feelings to my therapist, he said that they aren't necessarily a bad thing, I am allowed to find sexual gratification in these things.
I do know now that real physical pain is a bit too much for me to handle (Nev's bites were really hard!), but at the same time I know that feeling helpless and vulnerable really turns me on too. Bondage is definitely something I want to have in my life...
So... a thing after another, looking up interesting events and discussion channels on the internet, I ended up on a website dedicated to people creating local ADs for the BDSM scene. I spent a bit to read through them, a few times I was really tempted to try sending a message to some really interesting people, but... the fact I'm trans probably would prevent me a lot of chances.
Sigh.
I didn't want to give up though. I wanna get to know more people, maybe find partners for the future (I still dream to find somebody mature to live together with), so... heck it. I wrote my own ad.
Spent a bit too long to formulate my thoughts and desires. Made it simple, but straight to the point, a bit cute and a bit teasy. Just the way I am.
Unfortunately the site has to manually approve the new ads, so nothing would show up until a moderator checked it.
Well. It was still quite fun to do and at least I had an interesting prospect for the next day. So I went to sleep.
...
Next day. Work was fine, but the best was the evening: beauty center appointment!
This time laser to my armpits and waxing! I was really looking forward to it.
My body hair was starting to make me uncomfortable, definitely too many... But Sonia still commented that in her opinion it was sparse compared to the first time, and we let them grow for a longer time than planned (almost two months) so... I should be happy. I doubt this has anything to do with the HRT but I can hope one day to be naturally smoother and require less maintenance.
Getting the legs waxed didn't hurt as much as the first time. Maybe I was getting used to it, maybe I was just so excited to be smooth again. We were done rather quickly, so... I asked her to do my arms too. And oh that hurt! But the feeling of smooth forearms at the end was such a bliss, I'm so happy I went for it
After I was done and dressed up, we remained chatting some more. I brought my bag with all the make-up products because I wanted to show Sonia the achievements of my previous day, and I felt so comfortable sharing opinions with her! She even gave me some helpful pointers on how to apply the eyeliner (oh, she was so quick and skilled with it). And then... she gave me a gift too. A beauty case!
She had told me to wait a moment and returned a few bags and boxes asking me too choose one. I wasn't expecting that..!
Among the ones she showed me there was a cute pink with lovely hearts printed all over it, and I was enamoured of it immediately. She was so kind to give it to me, I put all my products in it and felt so happy of the results.
Then she also showed me how she was preparing the resin nails for when she does nail reconstruction. And they were so pretty! Such awesome colors and even patterns!
We spoke a bit, I asked to learn more about nails care, and then she made me try a few options of nail polish (the semi-permanent type). I curiously watched as she put a different one on each of my fingers. I must say some are really neat (like the pink one for classic woman nails), others a bit less exciting, until one really got me: the diamond one, which was a trasparent with glitter inside. Oh it was so much pretty!
She agreed it was suiting me, and so... It's decided. Next appointment I will get my nails done! I can't wait for it
...
And today was another valuable day, even if I was quite distracted while at work.
During the previous day my AD on the BDSM site was approved, and... I started receiving messages from interested people. Over a dozen already! I was quite surprised to get that much attention, again far more than I would expect. In a way this is very comforting.
Unlike the Horny Group™ experience, most people who replied this time are older than me. Some even by a lot (twice my age too!), which is interesting. I can expect some mature chats, and... okay, I know it's dumb, but that could be my chance to find a Sugar Daddy too.
So in the morning I replied to some of them, and shared Telegram contacts to chat more comfortably. I spent the entirety of the day to get to know those who were willing to chat. Some who are clearly experts of bondage, some who are quite rough and possessive, some who are sensitive and gentle with their words.
I must say I enjoyed to meet all these new people, even if I doubt most will continue further than a chat.
But... the potential encounters are there. And there is already a person who seems really in harmony with me, as we are sharing a lot of interests.
So lets see where this path brings me. Hopefully, with my wrists tied and a gag in my mouth, moaning in bliss while getting spanked.
Time to go napping now!
Vicky out~
Edited by XRey360 - 28/3/2024, 23:45
