| It's been a disaster again at therapy. I thought we were doing some right steps and repairing the situation, I was getting again confident, but by the end I almost bursted in tears and... I... I really don't understand why I would feel all over like that.
On one side, he is doing a good job. He is showing me the weak points of my persona, to let me consider well about my reactions and behaviors, and possibly grow into a better person from them. It's... what normal therapy should do.
On the other side, I feel my needs are being neglected. He knew about what I desired, what I had been asking so many times, and he still let it pass as if it wasn't important. I... don't want to blame it on him, because he is trying his best. But I fear we are just not... aligned.
And I feel so upset from that. It makes me cry, because I feel again lonely, and forced to face my challanges alone since even the person I thought who was the main support of my transition is not able to see my struggles.
Sigh.
...
But it wasn't just a bad day... That part was harsh, yes, but the morning had started so nicely instead.
After exercises and washing, I felt a bit willing and I tried to do my make up before work. Only the eyeliner, and very thin, for a practice. My first attempt was a disaster and I wiped it off soon after. But... the second attempt was reasonable. I touched it up a little, cleaned off the errors, and I was enough content with the result that I left it on for the rest of the day.
And I enjoyed that. It wasn't much, maybe nobody even noticed it, but I knew it was there and it made me feel good.
I wanna do it again. I wanna try every some mornings to put eyeliner on and see how well I get it. To try again the eyeshadow, and the lipstick. And feel pretty.
...
Work passed fast, I was so much busy today, but luckily it was the last day of the week. Tomorrow is holiday, and this weekend is Easter. There isn't much of a plan for me, just family I suppose, but I hope to go out a day some days to distract myself.
My sister also returned home today.
I.. had hoped to dodge her when I was back from therapy, but of course luck wasn't on my side. So she saw me get back home with my purse.
Okay, that was awkward... However, beside some comments, there wasn't much of a consequence. Yet.
I worry she is starting to get some weird thoughts, so... Huff. Probably I can't skip that anymore. I will have to tell her whats going on; I really hope she doesn't get bothered by it too much. I wish I could open up with her, but I care deeply for her and I don't want to risk a trauma that will distract her from her studies.
Tomorrow I will have to test the grounds with her, maybe propose to go out together, so we have a time to talk a bit in private. I want to bring up the topic only when I'm sure she is enough open minded that she won't reject the idea of her brother being actually a big sis.
...
Apart from that, my chats on the BDSM scene are quite stimulating.
I can't really say there is much of action as at this moment it's only been some open talks and sharing of ideas. Everyone seems busy for Easter unfortunately, so if I will ever have a chance for real play, that will happen maybe the next week.
I will be curious to see that day coming. I hope to to be up to par for it. Surely it will open up new paths for my life, new connections with people who are more experienced than me (not just in the bondage I hope).
Said that, now I just need some sleep...
Nighty my journal.
Edited by XRey360 - 29/3/2024, 19:41
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