Yes, it was a mistake. I should have avoided that. Again I regret trying to do an effort for my mother when the results are only problematic.
Am I bad for reacting this way? Probably yes. I could be a better person. I could suck it up and push my ego away and do whatever makes her feel better.
But... why nobody ever does that for me..? Why am I not allowed to feel moody, to get angry and let other people deal with it?
I had the laser today, which I almost missed because of traffic. They were so kind to reschedule it for me last minute, because unfortunately I couldn't get there in time for my original appointment. Lesson for the future, never book a session too early. I would rather wait than be as upset as I was for the drive there.
This time the doctor did it. I was a bit unsure, as I... Uhm. It's weird to say but I feel way more embarrassed to be naked with a male doctor than with a female. It's that... well, I'm a girl!
Though, he was so much kind to me. When he came to call me in he even used my chosen name, which made me melt a bit inside.
There was no chitchat during the session, just like the first time when he did my face, but he kept telling me how good I was for handling the pain. In the end he was super quick about it. A little too much, I worry he skipped some areas and just did the bare minimum (he could have gone a bit further around my thighs joint). Oh well, the payment is for lifetime coverage, so it just means I will get an extra session when I need.
Everything still burns now down there, and so the drive back was a bit of a sore.
When I got home my parents had already dinner without me. Which I didn't expect... And maybe I over-reacted, but I got pissed I would be having a dry burger and a salad for dinner, while they ate a pizza. I have been wanting a pizza for over 3 weeks now... And every time things go to hell.
So... I was annoyed. But I had still bought a gift for my mother, a box of chocolates.
When I gave it to her, she quickly tried to embrace me, but I stopped her immediately. And of course she had to be upset from that.
I have told her countless of times how I dislike being hugged or touched from her. And every time she acts as if it's the first time. It's... exhausting having to deal with a person like that. Who never really tries to understand others, and just does whatever she feels like every time.
So yeah... that was obviously my fault for not being more the way she wants. And I'm upset from it because I could have avoided that entirely if I didn't buy anything. I had no reason to do it. It's pointless being kind when people don't change.
...
To change completely topic, today at work I had an interesting event.
Apart from colleagues starting to reply my emails with Vicky (yay!), one member I have known since I started working in the company took me aside to speak. In private.
I was kinda surprised of that and worried even, as I initially expected it to be about work (it's not the first time they ask me help or informations about stuff), but when it comes to "talk alone" it's usually negative stuff!
Instead they went straight to the point. They said they have noticed my changes, they saw I never really spoke to them about this and thats why they left me be, but now they saw my emails where I sign with a different name. And they asked me what name I wanted to hear being used when talking, as they cared about making me comfortable.
And... okay, I was really taken by surprise and ended up just blushing and hiding a bit as we spoke. Then a bit later I went to talk to them again, and clarified things, and... I felt so much better. And accepted.
He has always been so caring to me, almost like a father. He often brought me presents (usually food items). And.. it's just that I never found occasion to talk. I don't feel to go around spamming the news that I'm trans. I just wanna live my life normally and be happy, without causing trouble to anybody.
So... I spent the rest of the day a bit overminded from this.
I'm happy. I'm not yet anywhere with the HRT. My body still looks the same, but... the way my head wraps around it is changing.
I see my big legs, and despite disliking my knees (too blocky) I feel the thighs are... the right proportions. It combines well with my waist and hips. I won't say I'm thicc, but... prone to that.
Oh, and my hair is starting to really feel feminine! I can't yet make any style and often they are just a mess, but... after washing, when they are still soft and neat, I adore the way I can curl them to the side, half covering my left eye... It's... it's... huff!
I hope to start soon the rest of my planned activities. Voice training is important to me, even if I definitely have a more... light tone than a few months ago. And pole dancing is still in my dreams, other than being fun I hope it can help me improve my flexibility. I haven't received a reply yet, but I guess if after 2 weeks it's still silent I will try to call and ask directly.
Now... bed time! I'm sleepy. And I must really reduce the PC screen time, as it gives me bad rings under the eyes. It's hard to cover them up with make up!
Vicky out~
Edited by XRey360 - 18/4/2024, 19:41
