Posts written by XRey360

Here we go! The big entry! The massive recap! The... oh heck I'm too lazy to write it all.
I'm even two days late on what I promised. Yeaah... Wednesday I ended up doing another thing, came home late, and so the entry kinda passed behind. Yesterday I... sorta fell asleep near the PC (and I really wanted to write the entry), when I woke up again it was once again super late.

It's that these days I'm really, really tired in the evening. Maybe it's the seasonal change, going from cold to warm.
I just wanna get comfy and rest. Reading a bit Iron Flame (gosh I love that story so much), snuggling in a warm blanket, massaging my own body... I can't help it, my chest feels like on fire and I get relief only when I can run my fingers over the forming mounds.
And yes. I said mounds. I have neo-breasts! I'm so euphoric!

I'm trying to hold back my emotions, because it's still early to rejoyce and I don't want to be disappointed if the growth doesn't proceed as I hope. There is still nothing visible still, I'm basically still male in a mirror, but...
Okay, I can't ignore it: this morning when exercising I rolled over on my belly and... I felt them. Slight lumps squishing against my chest when I pressed on the floor. It's... Oh my I love that so much already! Is that how it will feel when they grow properly?

...

Back to filling the gap in my experiences though!
What happened last week that kept me away from writing the entries for so long? I wish I could be more detailed, but I don't want to write a massive entry so I will do a bit more of a summary of the first half, then leave the rest for the next entry. A little bit per time okay?

Monday (of last week) I worked, then had therapy, then got waxed. I feel to that day there wasn't anything much of unique, I don't even remember what I did at work, and therapy... was okay I suppose, we separated in a positive mood. Waxing was okay, but Sonia really made me happy when she gifted me a women's perfume!
I have never been into them because... well, I was simply never taught anything about them. She was so kind to let me smell a couple of different fragrances, and when I found one that I liked, she gifted me a small bottle. I love it! Iris scent, it's so me!

The next day was... well exactly the case of "too lazy to write the entry". I didn't do anything special, just prepared for the next day of work, and I half thought to write a short update in the journal but ended up instead just reading my book until late.

Wednesday (of last week) I had work, and then right after I went to the birthday party of Beatriz. It was fun!
There were all the girls from the LGBT group and a couple more of her work colleagues, who were really nice. We ate snacks and pizza, we chatted, we listened to orchestral music (her BF was also a fan of Final Fantasy and had the CDs to play!) and then gave her the presents!
I really enjoyed the experience. It was simple but I felt connected. I spoke with other people who were kind and didn't mind me being trans, in fact I even received compliments for my nails! And they were stunned to discover my age. So... apparently I just look a lot younger than I am. Like, 10 years younger?

...

The day after, my parents left to go in the mountains (something about meeting with my mother's cousins), so I was by myself.
It was national holiday, so I had a long weekend ahead, and initially I thought about leaving too and going to meet Valkyria, but... Huff. Between the weather, my mood swings and my fears for taking such a long travel (I had just taken back my Subby after all), I gave up.
I ended up just staying curled on the couch for a couple of hours, until... Hm. I saw Castore (the nice guy from the Comic-con of the previous Sunday), organized a meet up for furries in Milano.

It could have been a nice distraction, better than staying alone anyway, and easier to reach and come back home.
So I dressed up, got my make up on, put on my new perfume (I love it!) and got into my car.

The drive was fine, I arrived a bit late because I got lost (stupid navigator giving wrong indications) and finding a parking space in Milano is a nightmare, but finally it worked out. The meeting was at the Citylife, which I have never been before but is really an amazing place! A commercial area with shops and parks, perfect as luckily the sun decided to show up in the late morning.


When I arrived the other furries were at the food district planning for lunch. I was just in time!
There were Castore and Dubbro (the same guys from the comic-con), who I immediately hugged with. Then I was presented to the group of other furries. In the end we were 6, then we became 7 when another member joined after lunch, and later on we became 9 as two more happened to be nearby and joined us.

We spent such a good day together. After eating we simply went to the park, put down some towels and just sprawled all together.
Some people drawing (most furries are artists), others playing music with phones and speakers, and others (like me) just cuddling.
I adored getting so many attentions! Everyone found me cute... so I was often hugged and headpatted and booped and all the things that made me wiggle and squeal in protest, to which they only continued teasing me.

Two of them (Castore and Roll) had a fursuit so they took plenty of pictures, and played around with us often.
I was even filmed by secret when I danced a bit with one of them! Huff. But I liked dancing... Oh it was so fun and they even made me discover a furry song that I now adore listening (Paws to the Wall).


I thought the day was enough positive already, but nope!
It followed with playing board games together, then getting ice creams, then going around the shops together, and finally organizing dinner all together.
We all met up at a restaurant nearby. Another furry decided to join us too, so we became 10. The more, the better!
The place was nice, the table was... a weird shape but that allowed us to all chitchat (halfway between round and square). The dinner was super tasty (great place after all), and the company even better!

By the end of the evening, I had tied with plenty of new people.
I now have multiple ongoing chats with them, who were so kind to me, some even... lewd (one was very direct stroking my ass when he hugged me). A few in particular I feel they were really caring to me and got a special spot for me already, I appreciated them so much. I really can't wait to meet them again!

...

And thats exactly what happened the weekend.
On Friday (still holiday luckily) I lazed for the morning, cooked myself some simple lunch, and then for late afternoon I left again to go at Castore's home. He had invited me to stay until Sunday, which I was really excited about!
He didn't live alone (one of the furries from the event before stayed with him), but that was okay. I liked their company, and I really didn't wanna stay home with my family.

And the experience was... fantastic. A dream. The three days we spent together were a tasty of another life, one I always dreamt for, and I so wish to make real one day.
There were hugs and kisses. There was cooking together and cleaning dishes. There were movies and games, cuddles in bed, and even lewd times.
I felt wanted, I felt cared for, and I could give my care to someone else back: providing massages, helping with errands, feeling... part of something.

And there was freedom. Freedom to be myself, to follow my passions.
He had furry artworks everywhere in the house. We would often draw and I felt so inspired to dive into my hobbies (unlike here at home with my family). Nobody was judging of our activities, there were no time schedules to respect. We just did as we felt when we felt it.
I even got introduced into a new fetish (feetpaws) which... hey, I might just like a lot too.

Castore was such a kind soul providing me with all these experiences.
I can only wish to have another chance, to taste his life again, and maybe become a part of it. He always said nice things to me, making me feel so happy to be with him, and the evening we had to depart I was really heartbroken.

I always feel so... so... restricted here. It's painful...
Maybe one day things will change. Maybe I won't be alone anymore...

...

And so, back to this week.
There were some very important events the past few days as well. Something I wanna put in a separate entry because of how deep it is.

So thats it for now!
Good night dear entry. Time for bed!

This hiatus was way longer than I ever wanted to. Too many days passed since the last entry!

I feel guilty because I had a couple of occasions I could have written one, but... I ended up skipping them (I'm a lazy bum). And the successive days I was too busy to do it. Or too tired. Or too... hmm... needy.
There is an explanation though! And I wanna put it down properly. Tomorrow. Because I ended up being too late today too... Huff!

I feel the next entry is gonna be a big one, but luckily tomorrow is holiday (yay no work!) so I can dedicate a good amount of hours to fill the gap in my Chronicle. The past week ended up being wildly different than I initially expected!

...

I can't anticipate much of it without diving into a 12 chapters book of events, but let me at least focus on one point, what I feel is my achievement for today: boobies!
I think it's almost a week that I felt the nipples soreness change, now into a more consistent pain. To the point I can't really forget it (it's a fixed presence in my mind right now). My chest simply hurts. Certain movements are making me ouch in pain, and I find myself massaging my still flat-as-a-board breasts often throughout the day.

Well... almost flat. I think?
I showered before I started writing this entry, and... I might have spent a good while just playing around. I found I'm all squishy on the chest. If I grab (carefully) around the nipple, there is definitely lots of soft skin and... something more.
No glands yet, but it makes sense: I was all skin and bones before, and in order to grow the mammary glands, I do need to first put on some fat, which... is what might be happening.

Oh I'm so happy! And we are barely about to cross month 2!
I think it would be useful to mark down some achievements from the HRT, to realize that maybe I am in fact going through some changes.
* Week 1: spontaneous erections ended. No more morning wood! It's a bliss to not have to worry about that uncomfort down there anymore.
* Week 2-3: mental state improved. It may sound like a made up thing, but heck no. I definitely felt better. Something finally clicked in place, I was... less upset, no more feeling that grieving pain. I was... feeling good. Relaxed. I could see myself in the mirror and think about a future!
* Week 4: skin feels softer! Mostly on my face. My cheeks are definitely squishy and I like caressing myself. Even my thighs feel somehow softer!
* Week 5-6: nipples keep getting stiff and feel sensitive. I begin having some soreness but nothing serious.
* Week: 7-8: ouch. The soreness is turning into pain. Massaging my own chest helps keep my mind distracted, and probably happy. Something is growing!

...

Now though it's really late. Time for bed!
Good night my dear journal~

Edited by XRey360 - 3/5/2024, 23:10

Oh my gosh these past 3 days have been so much eventful!
I did so many fun things, and I barely slept at all! Which means this entry will definitely not be very accurate as I'm too sleepy to remember all the details. But lets try anyway!


Friday at work I was extra charged. I resolved not one, but two sample works that gave us trouble! Okay, I didn't do anything incredible as it was just a matter of correct initial setup, but I'm glad the results were very satisfing.
And after work, we met at the nearby bar with some colleagues.

I initially was a bit worried of what to expect.
I am fine spending time with some colleagues but not fully comfortable with others, so the idea of meeting with so so many people was... a bit of a challenge. I know myself, and I always end up closing in myself when there are numerous groups I don't share much with.

Except... of the 12 people originally planned to be present, we were just 5. Much smaller number, quieter, and closer. I shouldn't say that I was happy so many people didn't come, but it was better for me, as it allowed me to slowly acclimatize myself in that experience.


The first half of the evening was peaceful. Just sitting at the bar table, talking with the others while eating snacks and drinking alcohol. For them. For me it was mostly fruit juices and non-alcoholics, which I feel were just as bad due to all the sugar contained (as if having chips and focaccia for dinner weren't bad enough).
Then at around 10:30 pm we left the bar and we decided to meet at a nightclub not too far to enjoy more drinks and music.

While going to my car I stopped to talk with a colleague still there smoking. Who has been one of the main persons I worked with for years, and he was so very kind with me. He had been waiting for me before leaving for the club (since I didn't know the road) and showed me where to park and where the entrance was, explaining to me how the place worked (for payment and drinks).

And... in that time he also said how much he respected my life decision. How he wanted to make sure I knew he supported me and my choice, and if I ever needed anything he was always available to help.
I think he was a bit lightheaded from all the beers, but I still found him so kind to say that, I couldn't thank him enough...


And so we got into the club... oh wow. This was my very first experience at such place. I was a bit nervous at first, but the music was great, the lights were fun, the drinks were tasty. It didn't take long for me to join the other girls and start dancing a bit.

And I really let go of myself over the hours. My shyness vanished quickly, soon enough I was dancing in full excited mood, wiggling and hopping and swaying and twirling on the dance floor, together with the other colleagues (the females, because the males all remained back with their drinks in hand).

It was absolutely fantastic, the environment was just as I always imagined: dark lit, with plenty of light flashes and smoke released around while the music played loud with a catching rythm. I loved dancing to them, I even tried singing some of the songs (at the best I could) while we kept showing off. Even some other random girls joined us, holding on each other as we kept shaking our bodies!


After not long though I started feeling really hot, since the place was a tad crowded and I was wearing a warm hoodie (not the best after all that movement).
Unfortunately I had no t-shirt beneath... I had half a thought for a solution but I was shy, and so I sat down a bit to cool.
I kept thinking about a few things one of the female colleagues told me a bit before: that she was impressed at how I could be this wild without even drinking alcohol (they assured they could never do these things while sober), and that in any case anything that happened here remained separate from our work relations so I didn't have to worry about their judgement.

And so... Finally I just said fuck it. I took off the hoodie and spent the rest of the night just in a bra. It wasn't the most sexy outfit, I know, but luckily the sports bra works a bit as a top too, and in the dark it wouldn't be too noticeable anyway.
And oh gosh if I had fun the rest of the night.

I think I didn't have any breaks until about 3am. I danced and jumped around the entire time, even when I thought I was getting tired, a new song would start playing and I would get back in mood to dance more. And I had so much hecking fun doing it!

Unfortunately, with the passing hours the place began getting more and more crowded, to the point I couldn't be as careless with my moves without constantly bumping into other people.
I didn't give up though! At some point I basically jumped on top of a table to get some space and kept dancing here for a good while..! Yay for being a wild girl!


I adored the experience. I felt so myself.
I... still had some moments of weakness, especially when I would see other younger, sexier girls dancing (making me realize no matter what, I will never be 20yo again...) or when guys would stare at me a bit longer than necessary, definitely because I'm... quite the weird view.

Oh well. I was very tired after all, since it was late night and I had been up since early morning for work. I guess these thoughts were bound to hit me, so I took it as a warning to go easy on myself and aim to take a break. It was my first time out at a nightclub after all!

I thanked my colleagues for the night.
I received again some very kind words about my choice, how they were happy I enjoyed coming there with them, and how hopefully I would join again in future events. Definitely!
I hugged with them, which really made me feel nice and loved! And then took my things and returned home to sleep.

...

It was a short sleep, but the nice vibes of the night before had me wake up in good mood.
I still did my exercises, and then even went running with dad. Okay, weather was a little bit cold (like, very cold because of the wind even if the sun was nice and hot), and I wasn't doing my best due to the short sleep, so we decided to make a shorter route.
Only 5 km but I still feel it did a great number on me, making me feel energetic, alive!

My weight however is still the same. 59.6 kg when I checked after the shower.
It's... not bad. I guess I will never go below it, 60kg seems to be my bottom limit. Which is for the best, probably I should even get a bit of extra weight if I want to grow a proper chest anyway; I don't wanna remain all skin and bones. And at my current stage I find myself healthy, the right amount of slim and sexy. I just need a bit more of the right curves...


After lunch I remained half-sleepy on the couch to recover. I was reading a bit, enjoying the comfyness of pillows and warm clothes against my body.
Oh dear..! I love how I'm starting to truly feel female. How I feel my legs and hips and abdomen being distinctly feminine, at least in my head. Thats definitely an effect of the HRT and I'm so glad it is having such a tangible impact already.
The connection I feel with myself is... is... Ow. Do other people are born with it? Can everyone else enjoy being one with their body, without ever going through dysphoria and pain for what they see but they aren't? It's all so...


The afternoon I got dressed and left for a new unplanned event.
The friendly guy I met a week ago at the small comic-con near Milano (Nima, a bull furry) invited me to a new event, a... sort of hippie gathering. With songs, yoga, tarot reading, massages and what more.
And heck yes I'm gonna join that. I'm too much of a curious one to pass on this opportunity, stuff like that is just my jam!
So by 16:30 I was near the place, picked him with my car (he was amazed of my Subby), and then we went together at the gathering.

I gotta say, it wasn't what I initially imagined but in the end it was probably better. Like a sort of big open picnic, with music and dancing in a neat park.
We settled down on the grass and we just relaxed, listening to the woman in the center of the event speak (telling stuff about the spirit and relaxation), then I hopped up to have fun dancing around in the grass when the music played in the speakers.

After a good bit I settled down again to rest with Nima, just enjoying the good weather, drawing doodles and chatting. And.. I really felt nice in his presence.
He was so sweet to me, playing with me as if I were a girl: starting with silly pokes and tickles, then grabbing me to pull me into hugs, then just sharing rubs and cuddles. I loved that so much!


A good while later a bunch of friends of him arrived. All girls, so I felt a bit uncomfortable (I wasn't up to their level..), but most of them basically didn't care of my presence. Except one who was really kind and we spoke often throughout the day, you are the best, girl!
After a good bit of awkward time all together on the grass eating snacks and talking, we separated into smaller groups to go participate in some activities of the event. I spent a good while in line to get a spiritual make up done. Which was... simplistic given the time I spent waiting, but I still loved it! White marks on my forehead and cheeks, with blue glitter details here and there. I adored the combo, I felt so cute!

And then the rest of the night was... again dancing! The music was really nice and the setting was fantastic (there was a massive lighted moon in the center, behind the DJ). I had a lot more space to dance so I had so much fun again, but since I had the purse with myself I had a bit of troubles to move. I still went wild... and one straps broke off and my purse fell. HUFF.
I... should have expected it. It was just a few months old! Luckily it wasn't a big damage, one of the chain rings broke and I just recently managed to replace it.


I have to say, Nima was really sweetto keep checking on me throughout of the event (we remained there from afternoon to night). He often left to go spend time with his friends, but then would return to chat with me a bit and talk some while I was in line for the make up. And when the weather became colder, he shared with me his blanket and we spent a good while hugged close to keep warm. I felt so happy to rest my head on his shoulder!

And later that night, when the time to leave came, he offered to walk me back to my car. Which is something that nobody did for me ever before...
There was no need to, I could just go there by myself as I always did, but I felt... as if I was being protected. Because it was late and the road was a tad dark and silent and it's dangerous for a girl to walking alone there..?
I... Uhm... Am I the kind of girl who needs this..? I... I'm not sure. I just know it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to hold onto his arm as we walked together.

...

And today was another long eventful day!

I didn't sleep well because I was overminded with a stupid thing: I wanted to keep on the make up because I hoped to show it off at the next day event, except that meant I slept so very bad unable to move. And in the end it was still partially ruined.
But I still did my best to recover it, and finally I was quite happy of my looks, definitely got some nice feedback from other people (the blue glitter really catched some attentions!).

I had to sacrifice a thing in any case: my morning workout. But to my defence: 1) I had to rush if I didn't wanna arrive late; 2) I didn't wanna get sweaty and further ruin the make up.
So okay. I skipped this day. But I have been doing a lot of physical activity the past days anyway! And today wasn't gonna be different.


I had found a couple of furries who were going to another comic-con taking place this weekend (the ComoFun event) and they were willing to let me join them. So we decided to meet at the place for the opening time. I just... wasn't ready for it though. Woah. So. Many. People.

I have never been to that event before despite being the 4th year it was taking place. It was so crowded, definitely more than the last one I went in January! And so many amazing cosplays!
It took me over 30 mins just to enter the building (waiting in line despite having bought the ticket online), but finally I was in, and I met with the two furries who were waiting for me.

Oh, it was so sweet. I was hugged immediately and I felt so good in their company. One even had a partial fursuit on which was so cute! He kept getting stopped for photos which was adorable.
But I did get poked too, a girl stopped me to say my arm warmers were so pretty (I had the trans ones of Angy Paws). I had a little share of joy for myself too!


We spent the day walking together, talking, exploring the event. Soon I started buying keychains and stickers and all sorts of things. Then we had lunch (so much line for it), then we again explored more the rest of the con, and finally we even settled to play board games together until the closure time.

And throughout that, I felt so good in their company. I was glad I found somebody to be with (I doubt I would have done so many nice things if I visited the event alone), and I gotta say, it felt completely different from the experience I had in January with Layla and Galaga. At the time maybe it was too much centered on the furries, because I was basically just carrying bags for Layla and never felt much company while the fursuiters showed off...

This time though there were very few furries (we met a couple more in the event but that was it), but most importantly, I kept being reminded I was part of the group. I often would be pulled close, hugged, held hands or arms as we explored.
Whenever I was getting a bit behind to check a stand, I would see them looking out for me, waiting for me and waving to get close again.

I felt... taken care of. Which I really wasn't expecting, something I'm not used to, but I loved it so much..!


At the end of the day I had spent so much money on gifts and things. But I feel it was all definitely worth it. This kind of expenses are not a problem, if it makes me enjoy my life more.
I got plenty of dino-themed things, an amazing pink dragon ring, a wonderful framed portrait of Jynx (I gotta cosplay as her someday), and even a pair of wolf ears that I kept wearing for half of the event duration. I might wanna get a tail for the next time...

Okay, yes, before I get into a guilt since I'm a dragoness and not a wolf: Nesys (my old alt sona) is actually a grey wolvess. So I'm technically still cosplaying myself. A more hidden part of me, but still me!


Anyway, I made the last purchases literally at the last minute (as the event was closing), so sadly when we got out of the building I felt I didn't have enough time to thank them enough for the amazing day together. They made me feel so good and comfortable..! And... Hm. It was that moment I found maybe there was something more too.
He kissed me. On the lips. Which I wasn't expecting, but... I liked a lot.

And he offered me to visit his place whenever I wanted to play board games together again.
I... imagine that offer hides other meanings too. But you know what? Oh yes. I'm a lil slut after all. Propose to me a chance to get railed, and I'm hopping on that immediately. And he definitely was such a nice guy! Castore

...

So yes! It was such an amazing weekend! Fully, 100% worth it in all its aspects!
Tomorrow I will be curious to see how work goes, especially what they will say after my... show offs at the club. Good things I hope!
Then therapy... Is it necessary? I feel I am doing a lot good so far, he surely won't have anything to point out in my issues. Yes, I didn't take a decision yet for the voice training... I will ask his opinion about that.

And the evening, beauty center! I'm excited. I'm getting waxed again! I love being smooth...
Plus I really wanna chitchat with Sonia and also see for the nail polish (last time she proposed to change my feet color, even though the blue is still so pretty).


Overall, a good week upcoming. It's a short one too, only 3 days of work because of a national holiday on Thursday.
On Wednesday it's also Beatriz's birthday and she invited us to her place, so I'm very curious to have a nice evening together! She is one of the girls from the LGBT group, I really like her so I cannot wait to meet with them again.

And when the holidays start, I think I will go meet with Valk again. It's her bday too so I'm glad I can spend some fun time with her, even if the long drive worries me. I will see how I feel on that morning.


In any case, it's super late again! AAAAA! I wanna sleep now.
Nighty..! Vicky out.

Edited by XRey360 - 30/4/2024, 19:35

Oh my gosh the Kawasaki I built yesterday with Lego is absolutely gorgeous. I love the shape, I love the details, I love the aggressive look... Thats definitely the bike I wanna get someday.

Okay, planning time. Beside the costs, the major trouble is space. I can't keep a bike like that outside, I need a garage. So... I can buy it only after I buy a house (with garage). That's also in the plans of course, but unknown when it will happen.
In the mean time, I could start getting my driving license updated for 2-wheels. That isn't too expensive and it's surely a good way to keep myself busy this transitioning period.

Except, I... wanna wait until after the legal name/gender change before getting the new license. So I don't have to remake the documents twice (and spend money unnecessarily). Which leads to my current idea: I want to proceed with the legal process in this year.
The therapist said I had to wait one full year HRT before starting it; but honestly he has disappointed me on too many things regarding my journey; he did it involuntarily, but the result is that he simply doesn't seem to know much about what steps in the trans journey are like. So I can't value his option a lot.
And I decided after the summer I will begin contacting the lawyer.

...

Past days at work were a bit heavy but manageable. The only thing I felt really upset with is... talking in the meetings. I had to hold a few important discussions, and I felt my voice drop to that cold, mechanical english I usually hold, which sounds distinctly male. And I hate it.
I just want to improve my voice...

Last week I had contacted the group LaSalvavoce, but they have disappointed me unfortunately. Slow and poor answers, almost making me feel like they have no intention to start this process with me. Sorry, but the first impression is important, and they gave me really a bad vibe by making me wait so long just to leave me hanging without enough details.


I am now considering for the alternative options. There is another group focused on trans voice teaching, could be worth contacting. Or, I will follow the professional way and contact the vocal medical center, but I dunno if they can understand my targets.
I really, really wish I could learn to sing... We will see what the future holds.


Other great news of today: my Subby returned! It has been repaired and it's all nimble and rumbly as I remembered her. She definitely was disappointed in me for the crash, but luckily the damage was not too heavy (ended up replacing just the fork and a few other small pieces for the wheel).
After an overall re-adjustment she is back on the road! And it didn't cost as much as I feared, just about 600€ which is like less than 1/3rd of my expectations.

Yes, the rims are all scratched... It's not noticeable while driving, but on a closer look they look really bad.
I think this could be the occasion to start working on her looks. Have the hailstorm damages fixed, buy new rims, and get the spoiler/louver/lips mounted. Maybe even the stickers/wrapping and the LED lights below.

It's a bit of an expensive job I know, but I wanna give myself what I never allowed before. And my Blue deserves to be pimped out like me.

...

A few more notes for the upcoming days.

This weekend I will go to the ComoFun event (comics-con in a near city). It should be bigger than the last one I visited, so I hope to enjoy it some, even though I might be alone at it.

Tomorrow evening I will also go out. Work colleagues invited me to meet at a bar after work, and likely they may decide to go dancing too later that night. I don't know if the company is ideal, but thats a first experience for me, and I definitely wanna try! I will wear my skirt and leggings though because it's getting definitely cold these days.

Tonight... Uhm. I have a plan. Which involves a bed and a magic wand and getting comfy and... exploring myself.
I have been feeling so emotive and sensitive these days. Heck, my nipples are always stiff... I'm starting to feel a little bit of bump on my chest, still invisible in the mirror but the sensation is there. 1.5 months into HRT... probably in the next months I will start feeling the true changes.

By the way, today at work I kept getting zapped right about there and it was so embarrassing to squeak every time. I was disposing of a nylon fabric so I kept getting charged as I unrolled it, and of course there had to be a metal bar near EXACTLY at chest height. All these things are so... so..! Well, affirming.


Time to have fun now~ Then going to bed because I'm sleepy...
But in good mood as I finally had pizza for dinner. Yay!

Edited by XRey360 - 21/4/2024, 23:23

Yes, it was a mistake. I should have avoided that. Again I regret trying to do an effort for my mother when the results are only problematic.

Am I bad for reacting this way? Probably yes. I could be a better person. I could suck it up and push my ego away and do whatever makes her feel better.
But... why nobody ever does that for me..? Why am I not allowed to feel moody, to get angry and let other people deal with it?


I had the laser today, which I almost missed because of traffic. They were so kind to reschedule it for me last minute, because unfortunately I couldn't get there in time for my original appointment. Lesson for the future, never book a session too early. I would rather wait than be as upset as I was for the drive there.

This time the doctor did it. I was a bit unsure, as I... Uhm. It's weird to say but I feel way more embarrassed to be naked with a male doctor than with a female. It's that... well, I'm a girl!
Though, he was so much kind to me. When he came to call me in he even used my chosen name, which made me melt a bit inside.
There was no chitchat during the session, just like the first time when he did my face, but he kept telling me how good I was for handling the pain. In the end he was super quick about it. A little too much, I worry he skipped some areas and just did the bare minimum (he could have gone a bit further around my thighs joint). Oh well, the payment is for lifetime coverage, so it just means I will get an extra session when I need.


Everything still burns now down there, and so the drive back was a bit of a sore.
When I got home my parents had already dinner without me. Which I didn't expect... And maybe I over-reacted, but I got pissed I would be having a dry burger and a salad for dinner, while they ate a pizza. I have been wanting a pizza for over 3 weeks now... And every time things go to hell.

So... I was annoyed. But I had still bought a gift for my mother, a box of chocolates.
When I gave it to her, she quickly tried to embrace me, but I stopped her immediately. And of course she had to be upset from that.
I have told her countless of times how I dislike being hugged or touched from her. And every time she acts as if it's the first time. It's... exhausting having to deal with a person like that. Who never really tries to understand others, and just does whatever she feels like every time.


So yeah... that was obviously my fault for not being more the way she wants. And I'm upset from it because I could have avoided that entirely if I didn't buy anything. I had no reason to do it. It's pointless being kind when people don't change.

...

To change completely topic, today at work I had an interesting event.
Apart from colleagues starting to reply my emails with Vicky (yay!), one member I have known since I started working in the company took me aside to speak. In private.
I was kinda surprised of that and worried even, as I initially expected it to be about work (it's not the first time they ask me help or informations about stuff), but when it comes to "talk alone" it's usually negative stuff!

Instead they went straight to the point. They said they have noticed my changes, they saw I never really spoke to them about this and thats why they left me be, but now they saw my emails where I sign with a different name. And they asked me what name I wanted to hear being used when talking, as they cared about making me comfortable.
And... okay, I was really taken by surprise and ended up just blushing and hiding a bit as we spoke. Then a bit later I went to talk to them again, and clarified things, and... I felt so much better. And accepted.

He has always been so caring to me, almost like a father. He often brought me presents (usually food items). And.. it's just that I never found occasion to talk. I don't feel to go around spamming the news that I'm trans. I just wanna live my life normally and be happy, without causing trouble to anybody.


So... I spent the rest of the day a bit overminded from this.

I'm happy. I'm not yet anywhere with the HRT. My body still looks the same, but... the way my head wraps around it is changing.
I see my big legs, and despite disliking my knees (too blocky) I feel the thighs are... the right proportions. It combines well with my waist and hips. I won't say I'm thicc, but... prone to that.
Oh, and my hair is starting to really feel feminine! I can't yet make any style and often they are just a mess, but... after washing, when they are still soft and neat, I adore the way I can curl them to the side, half covering my left eye... It's... it's... huff!


I hope to start soon the rest of my planned activities. Voice training is important to me, even if I definitely have a more... light tone than a few months ago. And pole dancing is still in my dreams, other than being fun I hope it can help me improve my flexibility. I haven't received a reply yet, but I guess if after 2 weeks it's still silent I will try to call and ask directly.

Now... bed time! I'm sleepy. And I must really reduce the PC screen time, as it gives me bad rings under the eyes. It's hard to cover them up with make up!
Vicky out~

Edited by XRey360 - 18/4/2024, 19:41

Ow, my rump! I don't remember ever feeling pains in my butt cheeks... Is it because I changed exercises pattern this morning? Most likely... I doubt it's the HRT getting more mass down there, even if a little bit I wanna believe so too.

I have been feeling really sad this morning. I had no explanation why but I truly felt the need to cry, and I got really close to burst while I was driving to work. It's... difficult to deal with my emotions being so unstable. Is it just the hormones causing that..? Or my subconscious getting stuck on certain bad thoughts?


Apart from work (which passed quickly), my major difficulty was with Therapy. I expressed my emotive status as above, and he proposed some possible causes. Maybe because I still feel that I can't see myself as a female, that my appearance is that of a male and this hurts me so much...
I don't know how much this is true. I have been doing so much progress on myself, I enjoy what I see, I even take pics and selfies more often. But I know I don't pass as a woman and... Nobody really can help me fix that.
I feel lonely, and I really just wish I had a person who took care of me. Who told me I'm doing the right thing when I feel uncertain, who holds me close when I'm feeling discouraged, who tells me I'm pretty when I feel unloved. Someone who just finds me.. worth the hassle.

Otherwise why am I bothering with all this..? A life just for myself is only partially worth it...

...

This evening I went to the beauty center again. I thought it was gonna be a quick thing, and instead it was an almost two hours long job! But my feet looks wonderful now. My nails have been taken care of and painted with a gorgeous blue glittery polish that I adore
I may even start to think of getting open shoes... Just to show off my nails a little bit.

Tomorrow I also have the laser for the down here area, I'm excited and scared of it. I hope it's as effective as the first time! I adore not having to deal with hairs anymore, feeling my skin smooth... I may even start to ask about a full body epilation, to see what is the price in case. Being always smooth without ever needing to wax or shave is absolutely a dream.


There is another event tomorrow, which I'm less happy about. It's the birthday of my mother.
It's gonna be tough to deal with that. Logic says I should do the effort of being nice and maybe getting her a gift, but from the emotive side I don't wanna spend any more energy than I need. I feel all I have been trying with her so far ended up being... a painful experience.

...

Recently I started questioning myself: is it normal a child is left on their own to discover the intimate details, their body, their sexuality? Who was supposed to teach me about that stuff, to help me understand..?
None of my parents were there for me... All I know of sex and body needs comes from the internet and porn. Even school lessons were exceptionally lacking, beside reproductivity informations due to biology lessons.

I feel I was betrayed because of that, and this is why I feel I can't trust people and I have to do always things by myself.
I was never taken care of correctly. I was never allowed to understand my issues and proposed steps to fix them a lifetime ago, when I was still in time to experience a correct childhood.
They blame me for never "telling them" about me feeling trans, but... they never taught me how to speak of these topics. How to even bring it up to them. How could I ever feel comfortable in my parents, when I could see them disgusted at the represantation of trans and gays in the media?


Maybe what hurts the most is how the people I pay to provide me with services have been caring for me more than my family ever did.
And it's a painful reminder of how much I had been lonely for all my life. How much I still am lonely today.


Now, I know I'm cutting this entry short, but I'm having a hard time to keep my eyes open...
Nighty...

Edited by XRey360 - 16/4/2024, 22:35

I... kinda lost control of my finances this weekend, but oh well... I can afford it anyway, so why shouldn't I?


Friday work was quite busy, following an evaluation that lasted most of the day and so I barely had time to do much else. I... maybe because of it I also ruined a potential bdsm play, as I didn't reply to his messages and he got upset from it. It was the old guy I met the other weekend. He wanted to meet again, proposed for this Saturday one more time, but honestly I was still unsure and thats why I left the reply a bit behind.
I know I could have dealt with that better, but... I really didn't feel a connection so I wasn't sure I really wanted to pursue that anyway.

And, for Saturday I had already another plan in my head anyway.
After the morning exercises and jogging (which went great as I was by myself), the afternoon I took the car and left to go shopping. Target? New cute underwear. I really want to feel more feminine and that would be another big step for me.

And... well thats where things went a tad bit out of hand.
I was alone for starters, which makes things difficult for me, as I get distracted easily and lack proper judgement on many things. Lu was busy, and with Layla there isn't a great relationship as of lately, so... I really didn't have anybody to help me. But I still wanted to do that thing for myself.


Oh, I did buy new panties in the end. A few cute ones, some comfy ones, even sexy ones... A whole lot of different shapes and types to try out. I didn't find any striped ones as I wished, but... What I bought so far is a good enough start anyway.
And sadly, together with them I got a bunch other clothes. I couldn't help it. I saw nice t-shirts, a cute dress, workout half leggings and home pajamas... I was curious to try things on and ended up buying most of them. I even made some purchases that looking at again I kinda don't like, but... Okay, I will keep them as an eventual option for the future. Worst case I just wasted a bit of money, nothing too crazy.


But I didn't find any pretty skirt. I really want new miniskirts, I see girls with them all the time around me, but I can't find the same for me. Huff. It's unfair! Maybe I will try with Shein and just buy them online...
So... after my shopping spree of clothes, I decided to just distract for a little bit going through a Toys (saw a gorgeous Ice Dragon figure!), and then the Lego shop, and... I made some purchases there. Expensive ones. I dunno what got me, maybe I was just sad because I was alone, or maybe I got annoyed it was late and I was hungry but I didn't want to leave with a bad taste.

The result is a fantastic blue dragon standing next to me right now. Amazing build which I finished recently, maybe it was a little overpriced but I don't regret it from what I can see.
And... since I wasn't enough satisfied, I got also a technic build that I have yet to start. The Kawasaki Ninja.

It's that I have been thinking more and more about how much I wish I could be a biker girl. Get that sexy leather outfit, a cool racing helmet maybe with cat ears on... Hmf. Maybe one day? The bike doesn't have to be prohibited to me. I could get one in future, a couple years later. I definitely want one.
I even had a discussion with the nice guy of the BDSM ad about bikes, and he did name some neat bikes I would probably like, but the Ninja is the Ninja.
I can't wait to build it and admire it.

...

Today was supposedly my resting day. I spent all Saturday moving (between shopping and exercises), so I just wanted to read and game and relax and... Uhm.
Well I discovered there was another comics-con near Milano that was new. And I really wanted to avoid the lunch with family friends, plus I guess exploring new places is a healthy activity. So... Great excuse!

This morning I dressed very girly. Weather is getting really warm, so I got on just skirt, thigh highs, arm warmers and t-shirt. I felt so pretty and... revealing. Even dad looked at me a bit bad for my outfit. But... it's a comics-con so who cares if I look weird?

The place ended up being quite far away (around 1 hour by car) though the drive was okay, and the city was really neat to walka round (I parked outside the event). There was even the market fair so a lot of chaos, so I wasted a bunch of time just looking through, and buying myself candies that I really couldn' resist (it's been a dream of mine to just buy a bunch of candies!)


By lunch I met with a furry. Fun guy, I never saw him before (but I think he was on Barq?).
We met because another common friend (who I met at Novegro last January) was supposed to come but then cancelled, though I still wanted to go and this guy was so kind to come for me to keep me company.
He wasn't alone though, as he came with his dad and we all had lunch together at a Kebab. I found that a bit weird, but the fact he also appreciated comics stuff was really nice. He kept misgendering me the whole time and that hurt a bit, but... I guess it's my fault, as I'm not ready yet to be recognized as female...

Anyway the event was really nice! It was really tiny in the end, not much to see or buy, but there were a lot of people with amazing cosplays, and I got to talk with a couple of artists which I really loved their artworks for. There was even a Lego demonstration and the city build was fantastic! Plus I saw the Batmobile that I had been wanting for a while... Gosh it's even better in life. I wanna buy it, but it's so expensiveee..!


Before leaving for the day, I had two interesting events I need to note:
One, I got some compliments for my thigh-highs. I was wearing the trans flag ones (striped with pink-lightblue-white), and a... girl? She also seemed trans even if super goth. Maybe she just wanted to sell me some things (she proposed me a lego bracialet with matching trans colors), but it still was really nice to have anyone recognize my colors.
Two, when late afternoon we went to get an ice-cream, a woman with her child was behind us in line for the order, and... I heard her say to the kid "be patient, we order after the lady finishes". Which... hey, I was the lady in question!
I think she just never saw me clearly as she was behind me, but... It's been nice to hear that. Sigh! I wish it would be the norm to be gendered right with no doubts...

...

When home I was a tad tired. I spent again so much money (I bought myself a Pop of Charizard, really cute!) and my mood wasn't great, because of all the emotions from the past days. After dinner I tried to call with Nevith, but he seemed also to be having his own troubles, so we didn't have much to say or do. And while there I just... began to explore myself. And... Hmm.

Fuck. I masturbated. I said it.

I did it like a girl would. I got comfy on the bed, I started using the magic wand and... I found out I really, really get sensitive on my "clit". Yes, thats how I'm gonna call it, since it is in fact my clitoris. I will have it the right place after surgery soon enough...
Anyway, I was so excited! I know because even my nipples felt sensitive and stiff. And I hit a climax very shortly after, while I clenched my legs tight and moaned softly to myself. I didn't even browse any porn! Just me and my body sensations.

It was... ow. Blissful. I really loved it that time. I think I'm getting closer to what a female orgasm feels like, even if that wasn't it yet.
I gotta say, on a side note, it's sure an advantage that I don't need an erection anymore. I just need to press the wand to my bits and let the vibrations work on me...

...

So, I suppose I can go to sleep with some better mood now...
Late as usual. My rule of going to sleep by 11:30pm is practically never getting followed.
Oh well. Nighty..!

Edited by XRey360 - 18/4/2024, 19:32

I can't stop staring at my nails. Oh, I love them so much! The color and shape is just perfect for me, I feel so girly, so me..!

I spent most of the day at work just asking my colleagues if they liked them. I always got positive responses, even if most didn't seem to share my same excitement (which makes sense, but I couldn't help it).

With the female colleagues however it was a different experience, lots of checking them out, comments on the color and the glitter, and also chatting about other beauty things done (waxing/laser, etc). It was so fun! I definitely seem to be getting along more with them now that I have more common topics.
But I also noticed some of my male colleagues got more... caring to me.

Today I got to speak with one and... well. He asked how I was doing, what... was going on, since we never had a chance to speak openly before. Of course most catched it already by observation, him as well, so he wanted to say how he supported my decision. He kept giving me comforting strokes on the side as I explained my journey, and... that really made me feel confortable, happy!
By the end of our chat, I dared to hug him and he held me close for a moment. I know I shouldn't but... No, it's not true. I should..! I want to. I like being held close. I'm a girl and I love when boys wrap their arms around me. It makes me sigh in pleasure...

...

The rest of the day passed well, doing demo works, resolving issues, and just... chatting on my phone as usual.

I sent two important emails today: to the logopedic group, and to the pole dance accademy. Both have not replied yet at the time of this entry, but I trust I will receive responses in the next days, so I'm really curious how it will proceed.
I think they are both equally important steps to grow into the person I wanna be. The first will take care of my voice, the second of my body confidence.

There are a few other things I wanna do, but probably starting with that is enough. I shouldn't exagerate... Even if that desire for a bike is kinda growing on me now. Oh yes, I can see myself in that biker girl outfit, riding a Ninja or other sport bike...


Nothing much more to say for this entry!
I was a bit upset at dinner, because I hoped for a pizza and instead I felt betrayed when my parents returned late having already ate, and I had to have dinner alone with leftovers.

I spent the evening reading, just as I did for the past days. I almost finished Fourth Wing... Gosh I couldn't believe I would feel that hooked in this story. I see myself reflected in many things, in many actions and choices.
And... for a moment I imagined how it would be to live at my fullest knowing I will fall before growing old. I don't care of surviving. I want to die trying if that means truly enjoying life.


Okay I'm definitely getting a bit out of mood so I guess it's time for bed now. Good thing tomorrow is Friday!
I wanna hope I can get something planned for the weekend, I don't want to spend it again at home... but it's annoying I'm still without my car. Even if I'm liking the comforts of a small city car, I want back my blue Dx

Nighty my journal!

Edited by XRey360 - 14/4/2024, 20:01

Been a bit of eventful days since the start of the week. Some ups and downs, as always, but definitely on a positive trend which is what really counts.
Lets get into it before I forget the important details!


Monday I was feeling rather... low. I didn't have a real reason for that, from the day before I was already feeling sorta upset (I almost cried myself into sleep that night, feeling as if I could never achieve my targets). The pain in my chest was... sadly a familiar one. But I was stronger than it this time, I didn't feel overwhelmed like months ago. I know things are going to be okay, so I didn't let it ruin my day, and in the end sleep wasn't too bad.

Work passed fine. A bit too busy, I barely had time for lunch, but at least the activities were stimolating. The project I'm following finally seems to give the desired results, we had various customers visiting for explanations and demonstrations, and we received lots of positive feedbacks. And that is something to be proud of!
Plus, I'm feeling happy that I can be myself around my colleagues. I often wear my skirt, my arm warmers. I have been practicing make up almost every morning now, and... I love the way I look. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with it, every new day getting closer to the real me!


The afternoon I went to therapy, and... it wasn't as bad as I feared.
We spoke about my emotions and my feelings mainly. I explained how I started seeing myself differently in the mirror, how I began to feel my body more aligned to myself. And he agreed these are great steps in my journey I'm also proud of!
But we also spoke about how I still feel lonely, yes, and I still have trouble to trust others. I'm getting more confident in who I am and I'm slowly beginning to do all the things that I wanted to do with my life, but I can't seem to find a person to devote myself too.
On that especially I explained of my BDSM experience, and he proposed I could find a person that can do both, provide me with cuddles and love while also satisfying my sexual needs. I... think it's difficult for that to happen...


Before leaving I also expressed another plan that recently spouted in my head: pole dancing.
I mean, I have been exercising a lot. I feel slender and... energetic, even if I still lack the flexibility I want. For that I would love to do more exercises with this aim. But the gym is out of question (I don't wanna get muscles). Dance is... well, I love the music, but I don't have a partner so usual dance courses are not for me. Plus it is clear I have a big thing for lust themes, so lap dance is just the right thing for me.
And the therapist agreed on that too. He said it would be aligned with my... persona. So why not?

Now I began searching online and I found a potential school that is nearby, in Como. I will try to contact them and begin asking how they feel about having LGBT members...

...

Tuesday was more relaxed for comparison. Work was again fine, home was not bad (I took a long shower and enjoyed taking care of myself, shaving and cleaning). And during that time I noticed two things:
* one, using the file for my feet is working a bit, but not enough to make them soft and desiderable. At least they look more neat already, except the nails that are still a mess. Definitely gonna ask the beauty center for help on that, as they did with my manicure...
* two, when I got out of the shower and I saw myself in the mirrow, the first thing that came to my mind was the imposter girl of Jack Sparrow. From that one movie... Because, for some reason, the beard shadow on my face looked out of place. As if it was a fake shadow painted on. It's obvious that girls don't have beards, so it could only be fake, right..?

I was stunned when I catched myself with that thought. I'm definitely still myself. I still look rather male with short hair and pronounced jawline. But... even without makeup, I'm starting to feel as if my lineaments are getting softer. More feminine. More... me.


I spent the rest of the evening just gaming a bit, until I received a poke from the cute guy of the Horny Group™, the one who railed me twice already. It was past 11pm, he had just returned home from work... and he wanted me.
I fantasized about that a lot. The slut in me would have taken the chance immediately, but it was kinda late, the next day there was work, my parents were already sleeping and I also was already in my pajama ready for bed.
We continued chatting for a bit more, he spent a good amount to convince me of coming over, promising to take care of me, of making me go to sleep well rested and with a warmth inside. He even sent me some really hot pics of himself, and... Hngh.

Fuck it. I'm an adult. I'm a slut! And I'm tired of following rules I was taught that repressed me all my life.
I got dressed and sneaked out of the house quietly. A little past midnight I was outside his home, definitely eager to get some attentions. And it went so much better than I expected.

I felt praised. I felt adored. He teased and stimulated me, he fucked me so nice and hard, even using toys to give me a bit of double pen (stretching my ass while I was chocking on his dick). But the best part was... how I saw myself.
While I was riding on top of him, I realized how feminine my hips-waist ratio looks. When I was spooning with him, I saw how my skin is light and soft compared to his hairy frame.
I felt so good... And he filled me up nicely as promised, which I adored!


The hard part however was that I couldn't stay to sleep with him, to get cuddled in the post-fun. We spent just one hour together, then I was back driving home... He apologized for the things being in such a hurry, he just didn't want to keep me up so late and we both had work the next morning, so I can understand it.
But I'm still a bit hurt that it's only sex. He calls me when he is eager because he knows I'm willing to play along.
I'm a whore... for free.


Maybe I should start getting myself paid for doing these things instead.
I should go back to that OnlyFans plan. When I get better at taking pics of myself it could be an easy way to make extra money.

...

And thats why today I was so sleepy. But in the end this was probably the best day of the set.
From the morning I dressed cute and made a pretty make up (I'm getting good at it!). We made another demo for a customer, and... I was worried my appearance could be a problem, but in the end I was the key person for explaining and showing the results, and everyone seemed fine with it.

Afternoon we went to the retirement party of some colleagues. Nice food! I feel I ate too much... but... I know I need to eat a lot to give a chance to my boobs to grow, so... I gotta do this sacrifice. Any belly fat will be killed with the exercises anyway.


And right after that party I went to the beauty center to get my nails done, for good. And it's... it's... AAA I have proper feminine nails, with a cute shape, pink nail polish, shiny and glittery just the way I adore! Oh my god it's... I have no words to express how happy this makes me!
Sonia was so sweet with me, explaining things, letting me try different colors before I would settle with the Diamond one (obviously the shine captured me with no doubts). The process of getting them done was... rather long, we took maybe a hour and a half for both hands, but the end result is fantastic. I love them!

This will both make me look nicer, and help me grow longer nails. I don't plan on getting them extra long, but a tad bit more would be perfect for me, so there we go now! And I have a good base to paint over other colors if I ever want to, even though for now I will just keep enjoying the current color


And so, this day ends like this. Wonderfully exhausting, happy for my current achievements, hopeful for the future!
But time to sleep now, I have again done super late and I can barely keep my eyes open...
Nighty night..!

Edited by XRey360 - 11/4/2024, 23:48

My nails are so pretty! It's such a wonderful feeling!
I feel another piece of the puzzle got into the right place today, and I'm so glad of that.

This morning I met with Lu, as we had been meaning to see each other and spend some nice time together. We met at a city near Milano, which was really wonderful. So many parks and open spaces to enjoy! The weather was perfect too, not too sunny but warmer than I expected, so we had some really nice walks together, relaxing and talking of all things.
We stopped for a tasty lunch at a japanese restaurant (delicious sushi!), and we then walked a bit more to enjoy the green areas of the city.

Finally, we went back to her place. And we did something absolutely fun: a girls party!
We got comfy on the bed, we took our make up items, and we started to... make ourselves pretty. Sharing thoughts and opinions on the products, trying out lipsticks and eyeshadows, helping each other get pretty. And I even tried a nice dark red nail polish, which I'm still keeping on today. It's so neat!

The fun thing was being so open talking with her. It was truly like a girls only thing, chatting about boys, practicing how to apply make up, exploring things as if we were teens. Oh my! I will treasure this experience, it's... just what I needed in my life!


And the fact I finally applied some nail polish for the first time, is another piece of barrier removed.
By now, it's clear... I generally don't feel allowed to do certain things until I get pushed by someone else to do them. Like getting myself a bra. Wearing a skirt in public. Having make up done.

BTW, I'm doing my makeup more often and... I'm getting better at it. I love how I see myself!
Sure, my beard is the most awful now (after the laser my skin is all bumpy and irritated, and I can't even shave properly for a week or more), but if I look at my eyes, it's... such a different view.
I never realized it but my irids are a lighter color than I thought. The brown is very subdly drifting to a green, and when hit by the sun it's almost... golden. Coincidence?

And also using a lipstick does such a difference. I notice my smile looks brighter. And my tongue looks more... well. Sexy? I think the color contrast with the lips gives a different image which was lost before. I can see why good make up can make any girl attractive, even though I wish I could be so even just natural...

...

The rest of the day was quiet. When I returned home I just spent hours reading.
Fourth Wing is such a gorgeous book. Better than I expected. Even if the parts I'm reading recently made me realize I could have never had the strength to read it before my transition. Even now some scenes make my heart ache.

Chapters of love, of complex relationships, of desire and emotions... The perspective of the protagonist reflects a lot of my feelings and thoughts, and... today I can feel them as mine too. It's a journey of self exploration not too different from what I'm doing.
Months ago instead, I would have only felt them with pain, like watching through a window something I could never have. So... this shows I'm going through a lot of progress.


But it's still not all so easy. I still get a bit saddened that I'm lonely. I wish so much I could find a person to share my life with, just... I don't know how. I don't know if thats possible to begin with. Why would anyone choose me..? And this thought brings along a dreadful sensation that I'm too scared to probe.

So... I repeat myself that it's fine that I'm not happy and positive all the time. I am allowed to feel tired and sad. To feel the need of crying. It doesn't mean it's all lost. My path is still the right one. My journey won't stop.

I have to remind myself that the HRT will do wonders to me, and I'm doing a lot for myself too, but all of that requires time. I can't expect to be done just a few months in.
My doses are still low and will be increased over time. My body is still adapting to the new rules, and I know everything will be fine. There are no breasts yet, thats okay... One day there will be. The skin will get softer, the beard will be gone, the hair will grow longer.
My voice is not that of a woman yet, but... it's also progressing and I know it, because I'm allowing myself to speak in the range I desire more often. And it will get even better once I start proper training.

So.. be patient girl. Take a deep breath, and follow one step at a time.

...

I skipped the events of Saturday from my entry, I know.
It's that... I'm so embarrassed to tell the news of it, but okay, this isn't an allowed excuse. My duty to this chronicle is to describe all my sensations, all my experiences, so that I can keep track of the progress and never forget the achievements of my journey.

Starting with the simple things; I went running with my dad and did over 7km. I felt great, surprisngly I wasn't too uncomfortable with short clothes (it was sunny and quite warm outside).
The result? My weight dropped below 60 for the first time (59.5 kg precisely) which made me so euphoric!


Then... the afternoon there was the appointment. I made myself pretty, wore my skirt and took my purse. We met at a commercial center at the middle for both of us, even if I got there a bit late due to being confused with the parking spaces. I finally walked out towards his location and then saw him near his car.

Okay... He is definitely older than me. A lot. Over twice my age? He could be my granddad basically.
The first impression of course is a hit, but he still was very gentle and kind, just the same as he was in chat.
I don't know why but I went for a hug, and I sighed in comfort when he held me close. Then we walked inside, we sat at a bar, and started talking. Of a bit of everything, even fantasy and sci-fi (he is also an avid reader like me and we shared to each other a lot of our fave stories and authors). But the main topic was obviously the BDSM world, which we soon got to talk about. My expectations, his past experiences, the tools and practices we could allow. It was... exciting.

He does have some good fantasies. I could totally see myself being a good slave, used and trained to please. I'm a sub by nature, and any dominant who knows his role can really get me to be obedient and excited.


After the chat at the bar we moved at his car, where he wanted to continue the talk more... privately.
Before jumping to wrong conclusions, no! We didn't do anything lewd I swear!

I know I seem to have a habit of sucking dicks shortly after getting into other people's car (oh gosh I'm such a slut), but we were in daylight and there were a lot of people! So we just touched the more kinky topics, spoke about sexual details, and he showed me some pics/videos of eventual practices he liked (do people normally keep so much porn on their phones?).
During this phase he... held me close. His hand brushing on my thigh, often playing around my own hand, until at some point he expressed the desire to kiss me. I agreed, because I'm a good girl, and.. it was so deep. I wasn't expecting it like that and I blushed so much; it wasn't bad itself, but I just wasn't ready for it.
He had been saying I have a nice body. That I am pretty, even though he agreed I will get even prettier with the transition. I felt... comfortable around him, despite our age difference.

We didn't continue much more the discussion because he had some work obligations to do after our appointment, but he proposed to meet again in a Motel, if we wanted to play. I replied I would think about it, then we said goodbye and he kissed me again with the same intensity of the first, which had the same result on me, and then I was let outside his car.


And... I was upset, with myself, for what I just did. I needed a good bit to calm my emotions, so I just entered the commercial center alone and spent a hour roaming aimlessly. I ended up getting stuck at a small booth of books on sale, and I lost the count of time just focusing on each book until I finally bought four of them (it was a good deal to be honest).

It's... not just the fact he is older. It's not the fact he desires my body rather than my persona. It's that... maybe I'm just unsure at the kind of deal he aims to.

I would be a secret affair. He betrays his wife.
I don't exactly care of what others do with their private life, and to be honest, being a slut means also having sex with old dudes so I'm not too ashamed of it, but... Maybe I just dream of a more precious relationship, where the person wants to invest in me, not just use me on occasion. He was very kind and he made me feel comfortable, but I... didn't feel an interest in him to help me grow as a part of his life. He just wants a toy to play with.

So... I'm taking some time to consider after this experience.

...

Except... ehm. Okay, the evening didn't got as planned, at all.

Once back home I had dinner with my parents, then settled to read for the rest of the evening, to forget the event above and also to eagerly progress in the story of Fourth Wing. I was comfy on the couch, exchanging some occasional messages on Telegram with Nevith and a few other friends.

Then... at some point, another guy I met through the bdsm AD suddenly asked how I was doing.

Long story short, 1 hour later I was outside his house, shivering in a mix of excitement and fear.
I didn't know much about him. I trusted my instincts, and maybe that was a mistake because I was mainly just sexually frustrated, ready to risk anything for a bit of relief. We had been chatting some and I knew he wanted a slave, to train and play with. He had seen me already, as he managed to push me to take some of the... lewd photos I did in the past days, but he was always of few words. Even that evening, after some basic exchanges, he simply proposed to not waste time and just come over.


He was kinder than I imagined. He came out to pick me from my car and guide me into his house. In the chats he was usually cold, harsh even, but in person he seemed quite... caring. He was even good looking despite the age (still older than me), well curated and mannered.
Once inside his home (small but neat) he let me put down my purse and took my jacket before bringing me to his bedroom, and then... the orders started.

I wasn't given time or space to reflect or reply. I was told to get naked, fully. Once I did, I was told to hold still, and close my eyes. He began touching me, all over, which soon made me shiver and moan. And he punished me for that.

Throughout the night I was told often to quit with my moans, but I just couldn't. I was so sensitive..!

He spanked me. He pulled and squeezed my nipples, my clit. He humiliated and insulted me with sharp words and firm grasps, then started fingering me, which made me quiver in anticipation. I was ordered to move to the bed and remain chest down and ass up, keeping my hole exposed while he began abusing it. Plugs of increasing size, multiple fingers, even a massive dildo.

Oh, he always used plenty of lube and made sure to never hurt me, but oh if I felt at my limit soon.
And I loved it all. I loved when he put clips on me, over my sensitive bits. When he tied my crotch in a rope, squeezing my genitals tight. When he made me roll over and started fucking me, while locking my legs over myself. When he... used sounding rods in my urethra as well.


Okay, that might not be a thing for everyone and I respect that, but this has always been such a big kink of mine, basically my 5th most searched keyword on exhentai. One I thought I would never experience, and... there it was. I didn't even have to ask for it.

I just kept my eyes closed like I was ordered and covered my face to keep quiet while he prepared me. I tensed when I felt the cold metal, then such an unexpected sensation, a mix of pain and pleasure I can't really translate into words. He toyed with me a bit, then pulled the rod out, and pushed in a bigger one, which I felt I was barely able to endure. And then he pulled it out again and slowly worked me through a third bigger one, which really made me moan out. He said I wasn't ready for more... yet. Then he ordered me to stop covering my face and watch.

When I saw that metallic rod being pumped in and out of my tiny hole, stretching me like that, I felt so embarrassed. I was squirming and whimpering and... oh god when he started rubbing my prostate with his fingers at the same time of pressing the rod down I was so overwhelmed I could burst. It's crazy what the body can do! Watching 20cm of metal rod slide so easily and deeply in that tiny opening was something I thought only comics would do... and I adored to experience it for real, even though it's not the same of my dreams.
It's a whole other thing when urethra play is done with female bits. Maybe, one day... I should research if there is any big risks or differences due to the bottom surgery.


About one hour later I was released from his constant attentions. I had been filled by his cream, and almost fisted (he did push four of his fingers in me and tried to double-dick my hole). I was allowed a moment to rest, then to use the toilet to wash myself a bit.
He said it was better to not exagerate the first time, and I agreed (as if that wasn't so crazy already); now I can only dream what more could happen on a second encounter. He did name another big kink of mine (enemas) which I would be pushed to do...


And so, I returned home exhausted, sore in all my holes (even ones I never thought would be used), but definitely so much more satisfied.
I didn't cum, because... With all the play we had, vibrators weren't included and that kinda prevented me from reaching an orgasm. He did jerk me a couple of times, but strokes really don't work on me, and now it's even less likely with the HRT effects.

Oh well... My wand surely could be a potential thing to bring next time. If there is a next time. I really hope he will invite me over again...


Now, time for bed. Tomorrow there is work, and it's so late!!!

Edited by XRey360 - 9/4/2024, 19:49

It's only small updates today. Nothing much happened, but I still wanted to say a few things I find dear to me.

My car is now at the mechanic, thanks to my dad who took care of it. Maybe the damage is not as bad as it seems, but it still needs to be checked to be sure. I really hope they can recover my car, and this wait is struggling me.
For the moment, I'm driving mom's car and... Well, it's fun. It's small and can turn on a dime (it has a better turn radius than my Subby), so even if it's not as comfy or speedy, it's still... enjoyable. And it's more feminine, which makes me blush in shame for betraying my blue like that.


Work was fine today. I did some useful progress on our project, so I can say I didn't exactly waste this week.
But another interesting thing happened:
I said some entries ago that I started signing myself as Vicky in the emails. And everyone seemed to just not pay attention to it, probably considering it a typo... until today. After an exchange with a colleague from Japan, in the last email there was a note at the bottom, asking "Ps. Vicky ?"

And... I... uhm. I was so embarrassed when I read that, but I suppose it was bound to happen soon or later. And I owe explanations to the people who have known me for so long, but haven't seen me in a long while.
After a bit of debating my reply, I simply confirmed it was my new chosen name. That I started an important journey for myself and soon that would become an official name.
And their reply was really kind and understanding. I felt some joy as they also used my chosen name in it.


I feel another big gear is turning now, if my colleagues start to really acknowledge me.
The other day another younger colleague I knew from some years asked me how... things were. Clearly referring to my outfit and my make up as we were standing here. And I replied I was happy. I was relaxed. Doing so much better since I started with the hormones.

I think... I wasn't expecting him to understand, but when I was about to leave he brushed my elbow and said some kind words, that I was doing the right thing, and I... melted a little inside. I'm definitely so weak for physical touches.


I'm so glad I'm facing so much acceptance. I feel more and more confident of myself, and... natural. As if I was always meant to be... Uhm.
Okay. I wanted to say "female", but it's not right. I always felt that way, so it's not changing now. What changes is that I accepted my transition. I'm finally fullfilling the steps that I simulated already a decade ago, with my sona, and that I dreamt for so long. So indeed, I was always meant to be trans. Because I was a girl who was born the wrong sex, and I could have not had any different future than through this journey.

(And just for a clarification if I never explained it: before Raysen the blue dragoness, my virtual alter ego was Rey the silver dragon! And it was so for years before I finally found the courage to let my feelings transfer to my virtual life, letting me experiment a first taste of what being female meant)

...

Other good news... I'm noticing other changes in my body. One silly thing that should not be happening so quickly but I definitely feel a difference already, is the way I stand.
I feel my hips... tilted. When I stand I appear to naturally tilt my hips forward, and... this is just so feminine to see in the mirror. It causes my back to arch a little, my abdomen to follow the curve towards my mons Venus, and my ass... be pushed out some. And this just feels the natural alignment for me (*coffs* exposing my holes to the back *coffs*).
Trying to straighten out feels... weird. And looks definitely more male like, pushing out the... front package. Which would make sense for them, but is so unnatural for me.


Is this caused by the hormones or just by me not having to hide myself anymore?
I know the hips will change through the HRT, but thats a thing to verify after a year or more. Still, I am so happy to notice these little things. I can't wait for my changes to be more evident, enough that I won't notice them anymore, but will be my normal self.


Besides, by spending so much time in front of a mirror checking myself, I came to a conclusion and set my mind for the tattoo.
Surprisingly it's not the hip one I had originally thought for. While I like it so much, I feel it wouldn't be suiting, as the hip area will likely change a lot so I can't trust it will look good through the years. Plus it would be clashing with my navel piercing in a front view.

Instead, I noticed a more simple, more feminine choice that I absolutely would love: a lower back tattoo.

It would serve a double purpose: one, make me sexy (come on who doesn't love some decoration above the ass). And two, cover a birthmark that I have right there. Which isn't bad, but looks... dirty. Out of place.
I can somehow picture it already, the black silhouette of a gliding dragon, wings spread on either side of the spine...

...

And for today the news end here.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day, as I have a... first appointment with a kind man I met through the BDSM ad. I'm very curious to what will follow up, but I'm feeling confident in myself. I have been receiving plenty of nice comments as of lately.
Heck, when I protested about my looks, I even was told that "You girls always say to be ugly when instead you are gorgeous", and it was... strangely affirming. I'm like all girls. I complain about not looking good because I don't see myself that way, even though the other people do.

It's so... wonderful to think one day I could not just be pretty, but even... attractive. Make people look out for me.
Sigh!
One day... one day... It's such a weird feeling to know that it's not an if, just a when. Like the day I will have a vagina and finally feel complete as myself.


Anyway, I really wanna get comfy and read some tonight.
So... until the next entry!

Edited by XRey360 - 7/4/2024, 22:57

Well... I had a few more things I wanted to write yesterday, but... I ended up being too shocked.


Right after work I went to get the laser for the face done. I got there on time, despite the frustration of not finding a parking space for a good while. The session lasted very little, but it also was so much painful (ow, my face still feels on fire one day after!) even if the girl was really kind with me, giving me small pauses whenever I was too tense form the pain. And I feel this is all worth it anyway. I can't wait for the day I won't need to shave my face anymore. And seeing my groin smooth makes me wish I could get the full body laser as well next...

Anyway, it was evening when I finally started driving home. And I was getting hungry, since I went directly to Milano from my workplace to be there on time. My parents are still in south Italy, so house empty (I would have had to cook myself something). I thought, after the suffering I had, it would have been nice to cuddle myself with a warm pizza.

...

It was.. so dumb of me. I should have stopped. I should have just went home and ordered a pizza from here. Instead I started using my phone while driving, to search the closest pizzeria on the way. I got distracted, and... I didn't see the sidewalk coming.

When I tried to steer away it was too late. My left anterior wheel hit the curb hard, the car swerved heavily and for a short moment I lost control.
I was lucky the road was empty at that hour and I didn't hit anybody. I stopped the car asap on the side of the road, remaining in shock from what had just happened. Then I put the 4 arrows on, I got out, took a deep breath and tried to check what damage I caused.


Okay... maybe I was still under too much emotions to realize it. I was scared shitless of what just happened. All I saw was the rim of the wheel a bit scratched. I feared the tire was bursted, but it seemed fine. No damages on the bumper or car frame. So maybe nothing too serious..?

I was wrong. I slowly got back in my seat and tried to start again the car. And as soon as we got moving on the road, I immediately felt her complain. The steering was behaving crazy, causing the car to swerve at random. There was a scary metallic noise, as if dragging metal against metal. And the ABS went nuts and was randomly blocking my wheels.

I drove merely 30 meters almost unable to go straight, before I managed to reach a parking spot to stop fully.
And then I checked again better. Okay... I definitely saw it this time. The front wheel was completely bent in. The axle was destroyed, which was causing the metallic noise. The steering was working only on one wheel now.


And... I bursted into tears.
I was suffering, scared, hungry, lonely. There was nobody who could help me...

After a bit of trying to recover myself I did the only sensated thing and called my dad. I know he was far away but... I had no other ideas.
So I told him what happened. I explained I was fine, I wasn't hurt, just lost on what to do. And... he reassured me it was all going to be okay.

They called a friend of my mom, who would come to pick me up. They arrived a few minutes later and they have been so kind to me, checking if I was safe, if I needed to go to the hospital. They offered to let me sleep at their place, just so I didn't have to stay alone.
I refused kindly, because even though I really, really needed some physical reassurance, I didn't feel comfortable about staying a night out from home. Right now I needed a familiar place to lull myself into, a warm drink, some food...

As soon as we got home I got hugged again, I was told I could ask anything I needed. I confirmed I could take care of myself and we said goodnight.
In the end I spent the evening curled on the couch, trying to read Fourth Wing, even if I could barely go through a few pages. I spoke with Nevith on the phone most of the time, which helped me distract. And then I finally went to sleep.


To be fair though, I... should consider myself so lucky I wasn't hurt. Nothing serious happened beside the trauma of it.

...

Today I took my mom's car to go to work. I was quite late too, because I... may have spent something like a hour to do my make up.
I just needed it! I wanted to feel better at least with myself, and in the end, I... I was almost seeing her. She is there. The image in the mirror was... a lot more female than I could believe. My image.
It's weird to describe. I'm similar to how I looked a month ago, but all the small details are getting aligned. My body is getting more and more the shape I feel as mine, and my face is getting softer, more feminine lineaments. When the beard shadow disappears and my hair grows to a more manageable length, I could even say to be... pretty.

I went to work full feminine today. Skirt, arm warmers, make up. I had my share of fun. I feel I wasn't very productive, a bit distracted rather, but it was okay. Then I drove to therapy.


Again, I was a bit... unsure after this week, but I feel we managed some good discussions.
I explained my recent feelings. About my grandad, about the accident. About work, about my family and friends. I explained about how happy I was with my body, and my looks, how sorry I felt of our last sessions outcome.

Then we spoke of the logopedic training too. We decided to try the first option he gave me, even though he still seems a bit... lost on the way to proceed. But right now I feel I don't have much else to aim for, so I will let him do what he can, and see if it can help me achieve my dreams.


Once home I cooked myself a warm dinner and again spent some time trying to relax myself.
My parents finally returned (quite late in the evening), so things are going to be easier. Dad will help me tomorrow with the car, he said we will ask his mechanic to look into it. I hope my blue will heal soon...

...

For last some notes, because I'm always so lazy and never do things unless I force myself to:
1) moles. I really wanna get rid of a few of them, even if I really have too many. It's a bit discouraging but... okay I guess, I will have to deal with being a starfield of moles.
2) feet. Okay, I... never brought up this topic, but I... really wish I had better feet. I should start caring better about them so I don't have to feel ashamed. I just want soft feet with painted nails, and I guess it's not an impossible desire, if I start taking care of them. I will ask at the beauty center next time if I can get some help with that.
3) underwear. It's... embarrassing, but I really wanna get started in buying proper female underwear. Striped panties, lacy sets, something comfy and cute and sexy I can wear when I... hmm... start being more confident and happy. I could even learn a bit of tucking...


Now, given the hour, I should really go to sleep.
Nighty!

Edited by XRey360 - 5/4/2024, 21:16

I feel... it's... so much, I don't even know how to describe all of this.
It's like a whole lot of raw emotions, all different, going through me in just these few days, and it's... so much hard to handle for me.

The people I confided to say it's my hormonal storm happening... with the addition of me being pretty emotive of my own already.
I don't know about that... but I have felt happy while gaming with Nev and exploring. I have felt excited and eager to follow orders and show off my body in the bdsm chats. I have felt sad and lonely that I don't have a true relationship, that I don't have anyone near me who holds me close. And I have felt so much pain and anger that outside I'm not who I feel I am inside, and that dysphoria keeps hurting me when I least expect.


And... grandad died on Monday.
I cannot express my feelings on this news. It's just beyond me...

I knew he was ill and didn't have much more to live. We all expected him to last longer, but... maybe it's better that way, he won't suffer anymore. And I don't grieve him as much as I should, since in the end we met so little through the years.
I mainly feel worried for my dad, as he is also usually holding everything inside and I wish I could help him feel better. Both my parents left immediately to go to south Italy for the funeral, while I remained here for work.

I feel sorry I didn't have the chance to see my grandad one last time and tell him something nice. Even if, deep inside me, I'm relieved he won't have to see me like I am now. Like who I'm becoming.
I'm not afraid of being myself, and to say I'm trans. Probably he would have accepted me as well, because still he cared a lot for me. He often told me to get my life going, and he was always upset I would spend all my time closed in my room, back when I was in my... dark period.

But... maybe he also wanted me to continue the bloodline, since I'm the last bearing our family surname. And I would have disappointed him with that.
It's... weird to think, but it just ends with me.

...

The rest of the events these days were... all over the place. Some great, some painful, overall... too much.

On Easter we opened the chocolate eggs (I got a pterodictyl), but beside that we did nothing much else. We didn't go out because I was upset with my sister for a stupid arguement over lunch, and anyway the weather was very bad too (super windy and rainy).
I just spent most of my time curled on the couch or on my bed, reading my book, sipping warm tea. And I liked that. It comforted me, and kept my mind distracted while I was lost in the fantasy world of Violet and the dragons there.


I also spent a lot of time chatting with people who contacted me for my BDSM announcement. Most ended up being uninteresting or just not in synthony with my needs, but that was sorta the expectation. Some were clearly a trap and I still fell for it, because of my dumb horny brain. They weren't good people and I know, but I still tried to please them, and I suffered when they stopped responding, mainly after they saw my photos.
I shouldn't care but it's still a reminder that I can pretend how I much I want, but I'm not a pretty girl. I'm not desiderable, even if I hope one day things will be easier for me.

Despite all that, I... still have a couple of really gentle people who I chat with more regularly. I don't know if we will ever arrange anything, as they seem to have their own lives to go after, but I'm liking to share our fantasies so far. And... to be a bit lewd with.
Yes. I did it, I teased myself and took hot photos and... I enjoyed the process. I feel the pics weren't as bad as I thought, and I actually received some nice compliments for my ass (and some threats for being worthy of a good spank). It seems something I should be more proud off for it, so I will gladly be wiggling that in open view for them one day~


Beside that embarrassing yet exciting play, I definitely enjoyed myself enough to hit an orgasm too one evening. And... it shouldn't be a special news (I have been able to reach a climax with my magic wand consistently now), but... heck. I think... I'm infertile.
Like, officially, fully shut down. My cum is entirely transparent.

I was a little shocked when that happened. I mean, I was totally expecting this result to appear due to the hormones, in fact I was... desiring it. But I thought it would take a lot longer to reach that point, where sperm is no longer produced and the testicles begin to atrophy.

And instead... I notice two things now:
* One, that I leak a lot. When I'm excited I don't get erections as much (sometimes they still happen but very short in duration, less than 30 secs), but I definitely get continuously wet. Clear, sticky fluids that I keep getting all over my inner thighs or forming wet spots in my underwear. And this is a bit in line with me, as I always made quite some precum. Would it still be called that though? Or is it now femjuice?
Because what I cum is definitely not cum. Not anymore. It's clear, and not as viscous as I would expect. It still has that same sweet taste of mine (yes I tried it), and it's... sticky, yes, but different too. And also the orgasm felt different itself.

But... Heck, I'm at one month. 4 weeks exactly from the start of my HRT. I think I'm trying too much to search for effects that are too early to show up. Like, I keep feeling my chest... weird. It's not a pain, it's a sort of quiet soreness, and my nipples are also getting more stiff more often, and feel more sensitive to the touch.
Skin is soft, and I can swear I can feel a little bump when I pass my fingers over the crest of my nipples, even though viewing in the mirror I notice still nothing.

...

Other good news... I'm practicing my make up.
I tried to put again my eyeliner and mascara yesterday and I sorta liked it. This morning I did it again, but went full in: eyeliner, eyeshadows, mascara and even lipstick before I went to work. And I felt pretty!

I still had my beard shadow (I wanted to shave this evening so tomorrow I can have my laser session), but beside that, I was... happy. I liked myself. I think one day I could even pass... Which makes me full of hope.

And I started feeling a bit more confident in my voice. This afternoon I spoke... feminine, for a good amount of time. I know it's far from being the voice I wish, but... it's also not a male voice, and I think this is already an achievement.

Plus while showering I tested a thing and... yes, my moans sound definitely more feminine as time passes.

Edited by XRey360 - 4/4/2024, 22:37

Been a couple of lazy days. And for the first time I experienced random euphoria too, for something I wasn't expecting.

Yesterday I spent a good time with my sis. In the end she didn't say much about my choice of clothes or my behaviors. I attempted to give the idea there is something we could talk about, but she ignored it, and so I just closed the door for now. Better that way.
We went together to the library, spending a good time there just commenting on the new book releases. She of course got an horror book (as usual for her), while myself I initially thought to not get anything (I have a backlog of books already!). Except... one in the end captured my eye. It's really cute and it was love at first sight! A fantasy (of course) but instead of an adventure, it's a romance. Of a lesbian couple opening a tavern together.

I... well. I wasn't expecting to find such books in the library, but I had to buy it, without a doubt! A cute story with cuddles and love and... huff. I don't know if that stuff was always in me or if it's the hormones really shifting my interests. A love story? Me? Oh my...
Though I know myself, I have always been cuddly and aching for some sweetness in my life, some romance and relationship... And now maybe I'm just starting to let these emotions seep out of the cage I held them in for so long. I'm starting to truly being myself and that is... it's so wonderful.


Anyway, the book purchase wasn't really what gave me euphoria, neither spending time with my sister (it was nice but nothing out of the norm). What triggered it was something more... dumb. That I really would have never imagined.

You see, when I'm having a lazy day off from work, I usually put on some old clothes that I can't use outside but that are still warm and comfy to keep at home. I think the hoodie and the pants I have on now gotta be at least a decade old. I have worn them so many times on the weekends, I'm... familiar with them.

And yet, while having them on this time, I started feeling conscious of how they felt against my body. How the fabric wrapped around my abdomen. Around my hips. My thighs.
I was lying on the couch and looking down at myself, and the first thought I had was "thats how boy clothes look on a girl".

And I suddenly felt euphoric from that. Because I was a girl, no matter what clothes I was wearing!
I don't need to be extra girly to prove who I am, I don't necessarily need a skirt or make up. I can already feel my feminine body shape hidden under the hoodie; and I know it will only get better as time goes on, with my forms becoming more evident, my chest getting fuller... I can't wait for the day I will be feeling myself not just on the inside!

...

Other than this happy moment, my days so far were very relaxing. Yesterday evening I went to the cinema with my sis and a friend of her, to watch Dune part II (great movie, I really enjoyed it). Today I read more of Fourth Wing too, and I can confirm I am back feeling relaxed with reading again, no more dysphoria caused by the protagonist. I was really upset back some months ago, where just going through few pages would trigger some... reaction in my feelings and cause me to suffer.

In the free time I have been playing some games; I have been trying on my new sockies (found one with a defect unfortunately, but I contacted the company and the owner was really sweet with preparing a free replacement immediately).

I'm also still exploring the BDSM potential encounters. I keep getting a few new proposals every day (I'm at 21 total now, I can say to be a bit impressed given I didn't post any picture even!). Still nothing happening for real, but I'm feeling excited at the idea of getting some chances to play someday. Oh, some fantasies getting shared here and there are already getting so exciting..! I just hope the reality won't hurt too much, because unfortunately I know not everyone will like my aspect, despite liking my identity.


Tomorrow (actually today given the time) is finally Easter.
I will be happy to open the chocolate eggs and find another dinosaur surprise (I love them, I hope to get the hammertail). Then I can be more lazy for the rest of the day. I wish I could have done something more exciting for the day, but I guess a grill with family will be enough.

Monday will be holiday too (and no therapy luckily), but I will definitely be going out, with my sis or by myself, I don't care. I just need to get some air and move a bit. Possibly going to shopping, even if I have nothing to buy I enjoy walking between the shops and seeing new clothes and items.

Now again I ended up super late writing this entry... Oh well.
Vicky out!

Edited by XRey360 - 3/4/2024, 00:11

It's been a disaster again at therapy. I thought we were doing some right steps and repairing the situation, I was getting again confident, but by the end I almost bursted in tears and... I... I really don't understand why I would feel all over like that.

On one side, he is doing a good job. He is showing me the weak points of my persona, to let me consider well about my reactions and behaviors, and possibly grow into a better person from them. It's... what normal therapy should do.
On the other side, I feel my needs are being neglected. He knew about what I desired, what I had been asking so many times, and he still let it pass as if it wasn't important. I... don't want to blame it on him, because he is trying his best. But I fear we are just not... aligned.

And I feel so upset from that. It makes me cry, because I feel again lonely, and forced to face my challanges alone since even the person I thought who was the main support of my transition is not able to see my struggles.

Sigh.

...

But it wasn't just a bad day... That part was harsh, yes, but the morning had started so nicely instead.
After exercises and washing, I felt a bit willing and I tried to do my make up before work. Only the eyeliner, and very thin, for a practice. My first attempt was a disaster and I wiped it off soon after. But... the second attempt was reasonable. I touched it up a little, cleaned off the errors, and I was enough content with the result that I left it on for the rest of the day.

And I enjoyed that. It wasn't much, maybe nobody even noticed it, but I knew it was there and it made me feel good.
I wanna do it again. I wanna try every some mornings to put eyeliner on and see how well I get it. To try again the eyeshadow, and the lipstick. And feel pretty.

...

Work passed fast, I was so much busy today, but luckily it was the last day of the week. Tomorrow is holiday, and this weekend is Easter. There isn't much of a plan for me, just family I suppose, but I hope to go out a day some days to distract myself.


My sister also returned home today.
I.. had hoped to dodge her when I was back from therapy, but of course luck wasn't on my side. So she saw me get back home with my purse.
Okay, that was awkward... However, beside some comments, there wasn't much of a consequence. Yet.

I worry she is starting to get some weird thoughts, so... Huff. Probably I can't skip that anymore. I will have to tell her whats going on; I really hope she doesn't get bothered by it too much. I wish I could open up with her, but I care deeply for her and I don't want to risk a trauma that will distract her from her studies.
Tomorrow I will have to test the grounds with her, maybe propose to go out together, so we have a time to talk a bit in private. I want to bring up the topic only when I'm sure she is enough open minded that she won't reject the idea of her brother being actually a big sis.

...

Apart from that, my chats on the BDSM scene are quite stimulating.
I can't really say there is much of action as at this moment it's only been some open talks and sharing of ideas. Everyone seems busy for Easter unfortunately, so if I will ever have a chance for real play, that will happen maybe the next week.
I will be curious to see that day coming. I hope to to be up to par for it. Surely it will open up new paths for my life, new connections with people who are more experienced than me (not just in the bondage I hope).


Said that, now I just need some sleep...
Nighty my journal.

Edited by XRey360 - 29/3/2024, 19:41